I have only child syndrome. For those who may not know I have eight siblings but our age gaps made it so that i wouldn't be able to actually grow up close to them. I never really actually felt connected. When I was younger all of my older siblings were already teenagers, we had nothing in common. While they were out having fun, enjoying each others company, I was home. I felt disconnected especially when we were not all together. My mother and my older siblings are my first family. The five of us made me realize that were were all I had. I had made it appoint that I wouldn't let anything get between us. I cherished every moment, every memory we all had together. Once I got older my family dispersed and they would come around occasionally. I'll never forget the nights I would hear knocks on the front door and I would see one of my older siblings standing, with their bodies illuminated by the hallway lights of our condo. I was young I never knew that they were coming back because of hard times. I only knew they were back, I was so naive. I grew wanting to live in this euphoric world not knowing people go through shit. I was too young to notice but I appreciated it and when they left my heart would hurt. I form attachments to people because I have always been alone. I have always been left, I grew numb to it, it hurts at first but they always come back. Not knowing because you allow them back in. Not growing up with siblings so close to you, you develop a different way of thinking. You care, you have empathy but you’re selfish. You think of nobody but yourself because you never had to. Shit how toxic my parents are together I wanted them to be together, not because I think they’re made for each other, but because I wanted them to be for each other. This all stems down to the fact I have been alone. I was never okay with it, I avoided it. I have used people to suppress it. Now I am ready to accept it. I cant keep waiting for my siblings to come home per say. I have to grow up and realize, they have lived their lives. Now it's time for me to live mine.