I use music to cope with pain, I use music to express my feelings towards everything. I still remember the day so clearly. I came home from school that Monday in two-thousand-ten, one of my favorite artist released to my knowledge a timeless piece. That day I laid on my couch and inserted my earphones to bump to, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. 2010, was an interesting year for me, It was the first year of the rest of my life. Thinking back, that time made me who i am because of what I went through.
Mental illness, is a hidden issue that is swept under the rug in a lot of cultures. It’s one of those things where if it isn't tangible its not worth talking about. Growing up in a Caribbean household words like depression, mental health and everything in between were not really a thing. So we had to battle our thoughts alone and use different methods to suppress them. Earlier this year I wrote an article on mental health and if people think depression is a choice or triggered by genetics. The amount of feed back i got in regards to article was phenomenal. People answered and asked for my opinion, so here it is.
I used to get made fun in school, by people who didn't even know me. I went years going home crying because words affected me. The amount of times my mother came to my room trying to figure me out but I couldn't even figure my own self out. It got to a point I had no friends because who could I trust? I met my two favorite people that same year, Krystal and Asha. I got through middle school because of them when everyone ridiculed me, t they were there and reassured everything would be okay. Everything changed when I moved. I had to adjust and find a support system that would be somewhere close to that.
I hated moving, I did it quite frequently. Having to meet new people, settle in new places. I fell into depression a few times. I watched myself get consumed by life because of the things i went through, ultimately I blame no one but myself. Each place I moved to I met a group of people who made me realize, life is different.Life is what you make it. I didn't have the conventional upbringing. I had to work for shit. Many of times I was lonely and let my mind consume me. I learned a lot from many people. The memories I have, remind me of how far I have come. I tell myself, “Chloe you are not what you go through. Bad things happen to good people. They just make the story-line better.”
I struggled back and forth with depression for a while. I never told people because I didn't even know what to call it, but I believe it is both. You are born with the gene but it’s your choice to let it affect and consume you. I let it consume me before but I slayed that dragon and made it no more. I beat myself up for years and blamed my parents for making my childhood uncomfortable. It wasn't until this year I heard the quote that would change my life:
“If you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not growing.”
Btw, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy helped me get through a lot of shit. Back when Kanye was Kanye.
Without Wax - Chloe Ridore